Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Water, Water, Everywhere ...

Those of you who’ve been to my house at times other than when I’m expecting a few or more people may have noticed that I sometimes shy away from doing dishes in a timely fashion. You may also have attributed this to sheer laziness, an attribution not altogether unsupported by some of my other behaviors (or lack thereof).

It’s not so.

I have never … never … done the dishes without ending up drenched from my belly to my knees. Usually, it happens while washing a bowl – the thing’s half full of soapy water, my thumb slips, and KERSPLASH! a tsunami-like wave of suds (Palmolive – now with microbeads!) is sent over the edge of the sink, cresting just past the counter, and crashing down upon my midriff in a manner not unlike scenes from The Poseidon Adventure or The Perfect Storm.

Square Tupperware containers are worse. Somehow the corners can generate a lot of extra force, and the impact has, at times, left bruises. I’ve taken to just throwing them away after one use.



I came close to success once. I had done the dishes the night before (and had dried myself and the floor), and had nothing but a cereal bowl on the counter. I carefully filled the sink (just a quarter full – you don’t give your enemy extra ammunition during battle), put on slip-resistant rubber gloves, then ever-so-slowly immersed the bowl. I held it against the bottom of the sink to minimize the chance that an errant muscle twitch would unleash some aquatic fury, and ever-so-gently, washed, then rinsed, and finally, oh sweet jesus, finally set the bowl down in the rack to dry. I looked down, and not a drop had touched me. I breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that I had finally won, and reached for the spoon ...

I don’t know a damn thing about non-linear fluid dynamics. I do know, however, that a tablespoon can launch a shitload of water.

So please – rather than judge me on what might appear to be pure sloth, keep in mind that it’s something of a hassle to get in and out of a wetsuit.

5 comments:

Pick-a-lilly said...

How many beers do you typically have prior to washing your dishes? I find it helpful to abstain from my wine until after I have washed the dishes..

prom queen said...

I'm still judging you. hehe And I'm judging you on a lot of other things too.

The Dead Acorn said...

Pick-a-lilly: I've never done dishes sober. Let's not forget, however, that correlation does NOT imply causation.



prom queen: Matt 7:1 "Judge ye not, lest ye be judged."

Oh fuck it, I'm already convicted.

Pick-a-lilly said...

How can you be certain that causation does not imply correlation if you've never done it sober?

Moping with Intent to Gawk said...

I've discovered it's much easier to do the dishes when I'm not in the sink too. But maybe that's just me.