Step 1: Get a branch like this:
Step 2: Make the obligatory "we should make a giant slingshot next summer and launch water balloons at the Dang's and Sweeney's houses!" comment.
Step 3: Get some sticks. And a bad dog, if you don't already have one.
Step 4: Have the dog chew the sticks to the appropriate lengths while you have a well-deserved beer.
Step 5: Tie the sticks on. Gouge the dog's eyes out and replace with glowing devil marbles.
Step 6: Put lights on. The more, the better. And use the blinky ones. If you're looking for something not gawdy, you're reading the wrong website, sissy. Go talk to Martha.
Step 7: Garland first ...
Step 8: Then the pink flamingo lights ...
Step 9: Oh jeez, this poor bastard lost his head ...
Step 10: And then the
There you go! Remember, Jeebus knows how much thought you put into celebrating his birthday, and believe you me, HE will remember.
[UPDATE: An astute and eagle-eyed reader in Qatar asks about the art on the wall that can be seen in steps 5 & 10. Why, yes, that is the album cover from the Kiss multi-platinum classic Rock And Roll Over! Good catch, fellow Kiss Army soldier! And yes, that is an Idaho State Bengal helmet serving as the angel. Many thanks to Cha Cha for the contribution.]