Friday, December 19, 2008

Oh Tannen Bomb

How to build the best Christmas tree EVAH:

Step 1: Get a branch like this:

Step 2: Make the obligatory "we should make a giant slingshot next summer and launch water balloons at the Dang's and Sweeney's houses!" comment.

Step 3: Get some sticks. And a bad dog, if you don't already have one.

Step 4: Have the dog chew the sticks to the appropriate lengths while you have a well-deserved beer.

Step 5: Tie the sticks on. Gouge the dog's eyes out and replace with glowing devil marbles.

Step 6: Put lights on. The more, the better. And use the blinky ones. If you're looking for something not gawdy, you're reading the wrong website, sissy. Go talk to Martha.

Step 7: Garland first ...

Step 8: Then the pink flamingo lights ...

Step 9: Oh jeez, this poor bastard lost his head ...

Step 10: And then the bird's nest birdhouse, the rest of the ornaments, and the tinsel. Don't be shy about adding more things as the days go by. Yes, beer cans are fine.

There you go! Remember, Jeebus knows how much thought you put into celebrating his birthday, and believe you me, HE will remember.

[UPDATE: An astute and eagle-eyed reader in Qatar asks about the art on the wall that can be seen in steps 5 & 10. Why, yes, that is the album cover from the Kiss multi-platinum classic Rock And Roll Over! Good catch, fellow Kiss Army soldier! And yes, that is an Idaho State Bengal helmet serving as the angel. Many thanks to Cha Cha for the contribution.]


Lori said...

I love it!!! Seems to me that with a few tweaks, it also will do the trick for Halloween and National Arbor Day.

Anonymous said...

Tony the best tree ever you really go way above and it more beer cans a must

love Davis "GO TRIBE"

Moping with Intent to Gawk said...

I'm going to go out on a "limb" and ask: can I borrow that Kiss record when I get the "needle" on my turntable fixed?
The tree is gorgeous, beer can I get an amen?!
It "leaves" me almost breathless.

Steve said...


You definitely deserve syndication, tho methinks David Sedaris might get a little uptight with the competition. I was thinking the tree, in its primitive state (photo 1) reminds me of the antlers the Grinch straps on the head of his dog. Maybe you could give that a go when you're done with it.

LOVING your blog.

Steve J