Tuesday, December 15, 2009

You And Me Both, Admiral Stockdale ...

Here we are, winding down another year, making that tough decision about which calendar theme to select for the cubicle wall in 2010 (mine’s been on August 2007 for over 2 years … it’s a nice picture of the Sawtooths), and, for some, taking the time to assess our place in the universe.

Though it strikes me as a somewhat arbitrary time to step back and think about what you’ve done, mister!, if asked to select a good time to check one’s bearings, make course corrections, set new goals, etc., I guess the dead of winter would be as appropriate as any. Other than being crushed under the pressure of the holidays, what else have you got going on? Huh? Nothing, that’s what.

And so I find myself pondering the meaning of all existence and my place in it, along with why my metric spanner set didn’t come with a 12 mm wrench (that’s bugged me for a number of years – yeah, the ½” SAE wrench works okay, but that is NOT THE POINT, DAMNIT!).

I’ve come to the conclusion that my main role in this life is to feed the hell-hound who’s been crashing at my house for the last 4 or 5 years (but who is maddeningly difficult to find when the mortgage payment is due). What should be a crazy-ass, hell-bent, hey-let’s-light-that-candle-in-the-middle-too bachelor lifestyle is instead consumed by ensuring that the dog’s weight doesn’t dip below a level indicating malnourishment (while the veterinarian seems to think that she should trim down to about 60 lbs, we’ve largely* ignored his advice and seemed to have settled on somewhere around 350 lbs as her “ideal” tonnage).

“Wait just a gol-darned minute,” I sense my readers thinking. “Bachelor? Dead Acorn, you’re 45 years old, you’re divorced, and, in all honesty, you’re something of a schlub. I don’t think ‘bachelor’ is really the descriptor to use here.” A fair enough point, to be sure, but let’s just take a look at the definitions we find on the gizoogletubes:

bach•elor (bach′ə lər, bach′lər)
1. a man who has not married

Ok, advantage reader. But let’s search on:

3a: an unmarried man
2: a person who has received what is usually the lowest degree conferred by a 4-year college, university, or professional school ;

Hmm … a bit vague concerning the meaning of “unmarried.” Does unmarried mean “having never married,” or simply "currently not married?” Tough call. We’ll give a ½ point to me, and throw in another ½ point for having “earned” a BS degree at the highly esteemed Idaho State University (while this has nothing directly to do with being married or not, there are certain aspects of the ISU lifestyle that are conducive to not being married. The ½ point stays).

All tied up … hmm, I wonder if there are any other definitions?

3b : a male animal without a mate during breeding time (as a fur seal).

Woah, Nellie! Game, set, and match! This is, admittedly, something of a bittersweet victory ... I was a little surprised that they didn’t have my picture next to that one. Dang.

I am SO giving up self-reflection for the New Year.

* Ha ha!


Pick-a-lilly said...

Perhaps you should abandon the self-examination in honor of the holidays. Have some sauce and enjoy yourself!

That's what I'm doing...ahhaha! Not right now, of course. Drinking at work is bad, mmmkay.

The Dead Acorn said...

You may be on to something there. And I don't see anything wrong with a little non-aromatic vodka with your coffee on the company dime.

Pick-a-lilly said...

I wonder if they would smell Bailey's in my coffee?