Pasta Dutchie On The Left Hand Side

I've been hauling around a pasta making machine for almost 20 years. It's been in at least 9 kitchens in 4 different states, and I think it got used about 10 times. A tragic waste of awesomeaucity, to be sure. Well, I've decided to bust it out.

The instruction manual, of course, has long been lost. The owner's manual for the ball of twine I bought in 7th grade? Still got that. Useful instructions for a cool machine? Gone with my youth, hopes, dreams, and aspirations.

So I fire up the googlewebs to see if I can find the basic recipe. The first thing I see is that there's been a recall:

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), Creative Technologies Corp. of Brooklyn, N.Y., is voluntarily recalling about 50,000 pasta machines to replace some of their lids. When the safety cutoff switch on the lid does not activate, consumers' fingers can be severely injured if their hand is placed into the mixing bowl.

CPSC and Creative Technologies are aware of 11 incidents of the machine unexpectedly turning on, resulting in nine injuries including cut, crushed and severed fingers.

Great - I've got something out the Stephen King Culinary Collection. I've already lost a couple of fingers in table saw mishaps. Luckily, I was born with 12, so I'm typing this with the standard issue 10. I think I'll try to avoid making pasta when I'm all liquored up and lacquered down.

Above: Possible outcome of mixing Ouzo and pasta making.

Above: Me trying to flip someone off post-accident.

I couldn't find a .pdf of the instruction manual, but despair not, gentle readers* ... there's a video tutorial on the YouTubes that, in additional to being extremely educational, is freakin' hilarious:

We've also enclosed this high tolerance, technologically advanced cleaning probe for removing dough from the holes in the dies. Our engineers cleverly designed it to resemble a common push-pin to thwart the shocking incidence of cleaning probe theft in North America.

Comedy platinum.

Of course, making pasta this way will undoubtedly be more expensive, messy, time-consuming, and obviously far more dangerous than just buying spaghetti off the shelf. But that's the kind of life I live ... I'm out on the edge, baby. Out. On. The. Edge. Plus, what the hell else have I got to do?

* I realize that the use of the plural "readers" is an exercise in self-delusion. Hey, a Dead Acorn can dream, can't he?