Friday, April 30, 2010

Revenge Of The Lawn

I was having a beer at the pub the other day, minding my own business (as always), but as so often happens in these situations, I found myself in a heated discussion concerning lawn care.

As a general rule of thumb, I try to keep my opinions to myself in such surroundings, preferring instead to slowly sip my ale whilst reading one of the classics, or relishing a handful of the far-too-few moments of quiet introspection that seem so hard to come by in this madcap world. I try to speak not of politics, nor of religion, nor of sports, with friends or acquaintances, for it is not my place to argue with them, nor attempt to alter their beliefs; beliefs that, no matter how repugnant or wrong-headed, they most certainly hold with the utmost sincerity and came by honestly through their own experiences on this earth, of which I have no knowledge. Certainly, I would never broach such subjects with a stranger.

But lawn care? The gloves are off, darlin'.

Anyway, this blowhard a couple of stools down was blathering on to his buddy about the new mower he got:

Blowhard: So, yeah, Stan … 5 horsepower, tri-blade, electronic starter …

Stan: Nice!

Blowhard: The best thing, though, is that there are cutting height adjustments on all 4 wheels. A blade parallel to the surface gives a much more consistent cut, and a more aesthetically pleasing look, particularly in the early evening, as the angle of incidence of the sun’s rays grows shallower.

I’m normally a pretty even-keeled feller, but at this point, I lost any semblance of composure I may have had:

Dead Acorn: Shut. The. Fuck. UP!!!!! That’s such horseshit! Given a 2 foot wheelbase and a vertical front wheel adjustment range of 3” and a fixed height rear wheelset, the dynamic angular range is barely .12 radians! There’s no WAY that makes a difference, especially with Kentucky bluegrass, but even with any of the more popular indigenous high desert grasses that are becoming more en vogue in this area!

Well, the blowhard gets this smug look on his face, takes a draw off of his cheap-ass domestic light low-carb fruit-flavored wine cooler:

Blowhard: Well, mathboy … I take it you’re a front-wheel-adjustment-only man. You, uh … care to make it interesting?

Dead Acorn: Bring it, bitch.

Blowhard: We lay down pix, right now. We both live in the same climate, same amount of sun, same water ph-balance, so any difference between our turf must be due to the blade angle. Agreed?

Dead Acorn (hesitantly): ummm ... yeah, that makes sense.

Blowhard: Best looking lawn, bartender’s call is final. I need a new beer holder for my mower, so maybe we go … say, three grand?

Dead Acorn: Lay it down, clown.

Blowhard: Nice Replacements reference! They rock.

Dead Acorn: Well, thanks! Yeah, Westerberg is a gooder.

So we pulled our wallets out (with a little begrudging mutual respect as the accordian photo holders we each had, overstuffed with lawn pictures, cascaded to the floor) and slapped down our finest pictures on the bar.

Make no mistake; I’m pretty dang proud of my yard:

But I knew I’d been beaten:

So I’m down three large, and I have to buy a bunch of new wheels for my mower, each of a slightly different diameter, to maintain blade horizontality.

I am SO going astroturf.


Jonny Hamachi said...

Yeah, astroturf. Have you seen the Zach Galifianakis video "Live at the Purple Onion"?

No relation to this post but You should see it.


Niamh B said...

I recognise the brownish mottling, it's like a signature of dog wee isn't it?
Our mower has no engine, it was actually made without one, and we bought it without one, pretty silly eh?

The Dead Acorn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Dead Acorn said...

Jonny - that's some good stuff. I don't think I'd ever heard that guy before. Damn it ... I was going to clean my garage today, but now I'll be sitting at the computer all day watching YouTube clips.

Thanks. Thanks a fucking lot.

The Dead Acorn said...

Niamh B ... that just doesn't sound 'Merkin at all. I believe the current standards here in the land of obscene excess are:

Sidewalk strip of grass (no more than 10 square feet): Push mower.

Small yard (10-40 square feet): Power mower, non-self-propelled, < 5 hp.

Medium yard (40-100 square feet): Self-propelled mower, > 5 hp, beer holder.

Large yard (>100 square feet): Riding John Deere, full stereo, cooler, GPS system.

Niamh B said...

I fear we may lose the push thing in one of the dog holes. GPS would be handy for relocating it

Kathleen said...

While it's clear you lost the competition, I must say your backyard looks much improved since the last time I saw it. Back then, it resembled a haunted forest from Lord of the Rings!

N*88 said...

As your bartender, I should point out that you drink lager, not ale.

The Dead Acorn said...

N*88 ... you're right about the lager, but it's still true that I don't engage strangers in political conversations, right?

Kathleen ... unfortunately, that's not really my yard. Mine is worse than it was before.

Kathleen said...

What's the difference between lager and ale? Seriously. I don't know.

Sisyphus said...

That was pretty damn funny. Not to make you postal but I'm watching you and like what I see. Nice lawn. Dog?

Kathleen let teh google be your friend.

Kathleen said...

Ok! I've got it. One's brewed slowly, the other rapidly.

Thanks, Sisyphus! What a novel idea that