Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Hey, Weight For Me!

I’ve always been a little confused when I hear people refer to various physical attributes in others that would preclude them from consideration romantically. There’s a certain arrogance to such an attitude, and in fact, the only thing that I really require in a girly-friend is that she have that peculiar lack of judgment that would make her think that it’s not unreasonable to be seen with me. I assume it’s some sort of chemical imbalance, but I haven’t really ruled out early childhood exposure to lead paint, either.

In any case, though I think it’s quite obvious to anyone that has seen any of the girls silly enough to go out with me that they’ve all been stunningly beautiful, I can honestly say that this fact was not among the primary reasons for my attraction to them. As I said, I could never dream of imposing, oh, say, some arbitrary weight limit, for example, on who I might try to trick into liking me.

Until now, that is.

As I mentioned a while back, I recently acquired a new ride … a sweet little ’93 Suzuki Sidekick, to which I affectionately refer as “The Zuke Of Earle.” It’s one of those sporty little mini-SUV kind of thingies and suits my needs pretty well (my needs don’t go much beyond having a stereo). It does, however, have a reputation of being predisposed to rolling over, and in fact, has a sticker on the driver’s door alerting one to that fact:

Above: Evidence of my inability to work a camera correctly.
Warning: This is a multipurpose vehicle which will handle and maneuver differently from an ordinary passenger car, in driving conditions which may occur on streets and highways and off-road. As with other vehicles of this type, if you make sharp turns or abrupt maneuvers, the vehicle may rollover or may go out of control and crash. You should read driving guidelines and instructions in the owners manual, and wear your safety belt at all times.
I’m not really all that much of an aggressive driver, and like 95% of all motor vehicle operators, I consider my skill level above average; nevertheless, I appreciate the heads-up.

A downside to the “little” part of “sweet little ’93 Suzuki Sidekick” is that there’s not a whole bunch of storage room, especially when the rear seats are in their upright position. As I occasionally have a need to carry camping equipment, bodies of dead hookers, and the like, I went out and found a nice used rooftop cargo carrier:

Above: Recommended maximum load: two (2) regulation-size prostitutes (three (3) if dismembered and drained).

It’s plenty roomy enough to haul everything I need for any type of extended adventure.

Unfortunately, it’s also a wing.

I discovered its aerodynamic lifting property last weekend while driving to Caldwell for the Live Acorn’s volleyball tournament. Finding one's self on only two wheels unexpectedly can certainly take one by surprise, and I very nearly spilled my cocktail coffee!

Dang ... as is often the case with my little bloggy ramblings, I’ve gone far past the point where I could make a long story short, so to get back to the point …

I mentioned this to an engineer friend of mine, figuring if anyone could provide a solution to this little problem, it was him (he also calculated how many studs I could safely cut out of the load-bearing wall in my house, and it hasn’t collapsed yet). Half a beer and two bar napkins later, he came up with this:

Above: I would have guessed 260-280 lbs, which is why I always get an expert's opinion.

His numbers are based on a speed of 65 mph/104 kph; his reasoning was that at higher speeds, while I would need more weight to hold the car down, the greater weight needed would prohibit the higher speeds. I’m telling you, this guy is sharp.

So roughly 1/6th of a ton at the minimum. All in all, I’m not particularly proud of suddenly having such a superficial standard for who I will and will not go out with. It makes me feel shallow and somewhat sleazy. But the numbers don’t lie, and as my friend said, "Stay alive with three-twenty-five!" And as I say with regard to every aspect of life … safety first.


prom queen said...


Oh geez..I peed a little.
Stunningly beautiful but incontinent. Everyone has a bad side.

Sarah said...

Another way to look at it:

one can of beer weighs 13.1 ounces (the empty can weighs 0.53 ounces)
13.1x24=314.4 ounces
The cardboard box the case comes in weighs 7 ounces
16 ounces per pound
321.4/16=20.08 pounds
325/20.08=16.18 cases of beer

Weight of aquaintance OR cases of beer?!

IF you drank bottles (which I know you don't)it would weigh around 30 pounds therefore: less beer. Cans are the way to go!

There is WAY too much math involved in figuring out if a keg is the way to go. I'm sure it is the better choice if you also want to have an "aquaintance" in the car. that weighs less than 200 pounds.

Niamh B said...

Ah yes, I see - so the weight limit makes you feel sleazy and shallow - yet prostitutes on the roof rack is perfectly fine, twasn't just lead paint in childhood there was it?

The Dead Acorn said...

The beer solution has two problems: 1) depending on the type of beer (or more precisely, the specific gravity of the brand), the weight of a can will vary, and 2) over time, the weight of the beer will migrate from the passenger's seat to the driver's seat, potentially exacerbating the problem.

You or W. would have known this ... so is B. a math whiz, or did D.G. stop by on the way home?

The Dead Acorn said...

Niamh B ... there may be some ... ummm, unresolved issues, let's say.

prom queen said...

Please don't tell anyone that I wear depends for my bladder control problem.