Monday, April 6, 2009

Maybe Not So Practical After All

My 30 year high school reunion is coming up in a few years, and I’m sensing the opportunity for a little giggle or two. What I’d like to do is show up with a girlfriend who’s about 20 years younger than me and introduce her as my daughter. We’d roll with that for the first day and most of the second, and then “accidentally” get caught sucking face and grabbing ass some time during the second evening. Yeah, it’s not going to make the list of the top ten greatest practical jokes of all time, but it might be worth a chuckle.

It won’t work, of course, for (at least) two reasons.

The first, and most obvious, is the issue of the girlfriend. The notion of having ANY girlfriend is somewhat laughable; having one 20 years my junior is downright self-delusional. Even if we suspend reality for the sake of discussion and assume that somewhere on the planet there exists a girl of the proper age lacking even the most rudimentary idiot-avoidance skills, there’s the timing problem. The median duration of my relationships is about 4 months (I use median rather than mean, as there was that statistical outlier involving the EMDAMOTLA* that really skews the data - it would be somewhat akin to saying, of a bar where 19 homeless guys and Bill Gates are drinking, that the average patron is a multi-millionaire). So not only am I faced with the impossible task of finding this epically foolish girl, but it would have to be within that 120 day window. I just don’t see that happening.

The second reason it won’t work is that even if the girl did happen to materialize at the right time and we were able to convince people that she was my daughter, they just wouldn’t think the face-sucking-ass-grabbing all that out of the ordinary.

I mean, we ARE talking Eastern Idaho …

*Ex-Mrs. Dead Acorn & Mother Of The Live Acorn

No comments: