2 lbs Italian sausage
8 28 oz cans tomato sauce
4 14 oz cans tomato paste
4 packages generic spaghetti sauce mix
2 red peppers
2 green peppers
1 stalk celery
1 bunch green onions
1 clove garlic
1 75 pound bad dog
1. Brown sausage in large saucepan.
2. Drain fat, place ½ of the sausage in 10 qt. pan.
3. Add half of sauce and half of paste, mix in 2 packages of mix.
4. Chop each vegetable, saving ½ of each in large salad bowl (remaining ½ of sausage can be place in bowl as well).
5. Add spices as desired; simmer for 1-2 hours.
6. Spend time in yard or garage, or become wrapped up in presidential debate on television, instilling sense of inattention in dog.
7. Repeat steps 2-5 using other half of ingredients after dog jumps up and pulls full pan of sauce off of stove. Do not repeat step 6.
Conversation I had with myself during sauce-making:
Dead Acorn: (This is nice … like making a meal for a big Italian family.)
Dead Acorn Internal Antagonist: (Yeah. Nice. Except that you’ll eat your big Italian family meal one meal at a time, all by yourself, loser.)
Dead Acorn: “Why do you always gotta be such an asshole?”
Dead Acorn Internal Antagonist: (Dude, you said that out loud, and there’s no one here.)
Dead Acorn: (Yeah … thanks. I kind of need to watch that. There have been some stares at the bar.)
Dead Acorn Internal Antagonist: (No problem … I got your back. Hey – you should ride to the bar! You don’t smell like garlic and onions at all!)
Dead Acorn: (You’re such a dick.)
Dead Acron Internal Antagonist: (Let’s ride.)