Thursday, July 1, 2010

A Melon-choly Post

I was having a discussion the other day on the merits of watermelon as a breakfast food. Specifically, it is my belief that watermelon ranks very high on the list of Things That Are Desirable To Wake Up To, and my ill-informed friend had the audacity to differ:

Dead Acorn: Holy mackerel … there are few things that I enjoy eating upon waking more than watermelon.

Ill-Informed Friend: What are you talking about? It’s just water.

DA: Umm, well, no … it’s actually only 92% water by weight. Its ideal ratio of water and sugar, combined with the fact that it’s a good source of vitamin C, makes it just the ticket for clearing the cobwebs induced by the previous night’s tequila-fest.

IIF: You know, most people don’t wake up with a hangover every day.


DA: Yeah, well, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that. And since you’ve already established your wanton disregard for facts and a propensity for simply making things up, unless you can provide empirical evidence supporting your postulation re: hangover ubiquity (or lack thereof), I believe this conversation is over.

IIF (under breath): jesusfuckingchristyouaresuchadork

DA: Care for a little slice o' heaven?

As the day passed, I continued to ponder the near-perfection of the watermelon, and eventually came to consider the destructive efforts of botanical scientists in creating the seedless variety. I cannot fathom how someone would even come up with such an idea, much less follow it to fruition. Imagine human geneticists sitting around the breakroom:

Geneticist Bob: Say, Carl … wouldn’t it be cool to alter human beings so that they couldn’t reproduce?

Geneticist Carl: Uh, Bob … our species would disappear after the first generation.

Geneticist Bob: I see your point. Let’s stick to the chimpanzee/human hybrid project.

Geneticist Carl: I want my monkey man!

Luckily, the botanist bastards seem to have failed in their attempts to extinctify the watermelon, as underground rebel melons continue to resist the “cleansing” and refuse to stop producing seeds. Fight on, fruity patriots!

On a somewhat disturbing note, upon doing some internet-based watermelon research, I discovered that the watermelon isn’t a true melon at all, as it’s not in the genus cucumis. I will admit to being thrown a bit by this, but I’ve learned (or am learning) that just because something turns out to be something other than you initially believed, it needn’t mean that you care less for it or think differently about it. (Ask my buddy Dorgan about the 6’2” stunningly beautiful model he met a couple of years ago, who turned out to be not at all what he thought. BTW, congrats, Dorgan & Pat/Patricia, on your two (so far) great years!)

Anyway, so now some idiot comedian can do a routine that includes “So the watermelon .. it's neither water, nor a melon! What’s up with that?” Let him. Whatever. I don’t care. All I know is that when I lay my head down at night, I fall asleep with a wispy smile and awash in anticipation of the morning, knowing that that heavenly taste awaits my lips when I rise; that the kiss of a goddess comes with the dawn.

Sweet, sweet watermelon ... the yin to tequila's yang.


P77 said...

Cantaloupe without a ladder.

The Dead Acorn said...

That's some Grade-A material right there.

Domestic Oub said...

jeez DA - all I've been able to think about, since reading this post, is eating watermelon for breakfast. I have been staring mournfully into my pathetic bowl of bran flakes, and demanding, crying, wailing - 'why are you not watermelon?!?!?!?!'

The Dead Acorn said...

I would suggest a little trip down to Biren or Meijer and treat yourself. Bran flakes have their place, and I appreciate their impact on health, but ding dang it ... who deserves watermelon more than you? Nobody, that's who. I hear it's the musiest of fruits, as well.