Wednesday, July 7, 2010

... And The Shape Shall Be That Of A Pear.

It is said that our bodies are temples (1 Corinthians 6 – my computer crashes every time I try to link to a bible verse, so you’ll have to look it up yourselves).

That being the case, I think mine is more of an ancient ruin, and likely not built by one of the great past religions, but by the equivalent of something like the Scientologists of the time, who did not enlist their finest masons in its construction, but instead put the task to the lowest of the drunken sots among them, as many parts seem to be ill-made, out of place, and quite useless.

In other words, I gotta get my ass in shape.

I’ve been doing interval training on my road bike … intervals are an extremely effective training method, and generally involve alternating episodes of intense exertion and rest, e.g., a 5-minute sprint followed by 5 minutes of light pedaling. I’ve been experimenting with a 24-hour schedule that involves a 10-minute all-out burst, followed by 8 hours of sitting at a computer (often interrupted by an unhealthy meal at midday), which is then followed by another 10-minute all-out burst, followed by rambling about Casa de Acorn drinking light beer. (For the life of me, I can’t understand why having increased my intake of light beer hasn’t resulted in a corresponding loss of weight, an occurrence which is strongly implied by the Anhauser-Busch advertisements.)

My Relativity Diet hasn’t seemed to work either. This approach is based on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, which asserts that as an object’s velocity approaches the speed of light, its mass increases. Conversely, of course, as an object slows down, its mass decreases. Therefore, if one were to sit extremely still, say, in a La-Z-Boy in front of a television, one would lose weight. Based on my observed results, Einstein was full of shit.

I’m not sure what I’ll do … I’m not quite to the point where I’ll start paying attention to scam artists like “doctors” or “nutritionists,” who claim that a pound of bacon a day is somehow “unhealthy.” I’m very intrigued by the notion that the caloric count of extremely cold gin may be less than the calories required to bring the liquid up to body temperature after drinking it. It certainly sounds like a promising idea that clearly merits further research.

[UPDAET:] exeprimnt foing oka y shofar. will trry to u pdt l8r hahahha “l8r’ lik in txtn. ahahaa im like 12.


Robert R said...

I dont drink,yet I feel the same yucky way every morning,I dont sleep well and dont eat when I should,I have no appetite-all day,til 7pm or so,so I eat once a day,I wish new a way out of this rutt

Niamh B said...

Ok Mr, I prescribe 4 flollerbollers per day, and positive thinking, and and and being fit is extremely over rated I would imagine.

The Dead Acorn said...

I'm not sure I want to know what a "flollerboller" is, but 4 a day sounds pretty healthy.