Exhibit A: Sofa for bonfire.
The burning doesn’t sound optional … I suppose you could just tell them you were going to burn it, even though you really wanted it just to sit on. I couldn’t, though, because I have some semblance of a moral code, you lying bastard.
Exhibit B: Concrete Sidewalk.
Sure, there’s a bit of the Tom Sawyer “white-washing this fence is great fun! Wanna try it?” thing going on here, but I found the line “Thank you for looking for broken concrete” very poignant and moving. The lack of a period gives a sense that the person has some fond memories of that sidewalk (childhood chalk drawing? 2 am tryst with drunken neighbor?), and can’t bring himself to face the finality of his decision to demolish it.
Exhibit C: Stripper Pole.
Okay, this wasn’t in the “free” section, but it’s still good to know that it’s available. I don’t know what I’d do with two, though.
Exhibit OH MY FUCKING GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD THE HORROR …
ATTEMPT TO BURN THEM? YOU SICK BASTARD! I’m coming for you, my brothers … oh, the acornity …