True Stories

This really happened:

(Two bears walk into my campspot)

Me: “Holy crap! You guys gotta go about, what, 400, 450 lbs?”

Bear 1: “Uh, well, yeah, I got 425, Earl here is more like 525.”

Me: “Sweet onion chutney! I’m guessing you guys are O-line, right? So, I know you guys do your job no matter what, and always play hard, but seriously … do you block a little harder for Sexy Rexy than Orton? ‘Cause I’m kinda seeing that.”

(Earl looks at Bear 1)

Earl: “Uh, Bob? I think this guy thinks we’re Chicago Bears.”

Bob: “No fucking way. Nobody’s that stupid.”

Earl: “Check out all the beer cans! This guy’s a mess!”

Bob: “Well, shit. Whaddya think?”

(Earl comes closer, sniffing around my head)

Earl: “I don’t know … something don’t smell right. Could be he’s got the brain-rot.”

Bob: “Well, I don’t wanna risk it … let’s just head down the trail a bit. Jesus, the things they’ll let into the forest these days …”