Thursday, January 6, 2011

It's The Big One, Elizabeth!

I almost had my first and second heart attacks of the young year this morning, both (almost) occurring within a 5-minute time span. I had decided to finally get off my lazy ass and ride my bike to work, disirregardless of the Weather Bunny’s admonition that even two minutes spent outside at these temperatures would result in the rapid formation of ice crystals in one’s alveoli, causing a quick but extremely painful death.

I assumed that the bike path would be empty, since, you know, what kind of idiot would be out at 6:00 am on a moonless night in -40 F (-40 C) weather? Einstein is often alleged to have said that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, on a moonless night in -40 F (-40 C) weather,” and he was right more often than not (or so I’ve been told). Anyway, I wasn’t too concerned with encountering others, instead focusing on not screaming out in pain with every breath as my lungs cycled between icing up and thawing out.

I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to come across a killer ninja and his deadly kimodo dragon, which was the cause of near-heart attack #1. You may be thinking to yourself “umm, Dead Acorn, are you sure it wasn’t just a guy wearing dark clothes walking his black lab, as is quite common in that area?” Look, I know what I saw, okay? It was a goddamned ninja and his dragon.

Near-heart attack #2 happened a bit further up the path, when a guy I didn’t see, sitting on a bench, said “good morning” an assassin leapt out of the bushes with a machete trying to behead me. I have really got to start being a little more aware of my surroundings. Given my past, I'm surprised that there aren't more attempts on my life.

Other than that, the ride was a success ... one of the reasons I elected to bike in was to test the shoe-cover/booty/foot-warmer thingies that I had purchased on Craigslist last year, and indeed, my little piggies were just as roasty-toasty as could be! The other reason is that the fan belt on my car makes a really loud banshee-esque screeching noise when it's this cold out, and my neighbors have made some surprisingly detailed threats about what will happen if I start it up at that hour one more time.

Mrs. Hamilton can be very intimidating for a nonagenarian.


Niamh B said...

Whether she's an agenarian or not there's no need for that kind of bullying in the neighbourhood.

The Dead Acorn said...

You'd think that after I got rid of the rusted pick-up truck up on blocks, the doorless refrigerator, and the mattresses from the front lawn, she'd lighten up a bit.

N*88 said...

You must be talking about the stretch of Greenbelt from the old steel bridge to Orchard St. All kinds of scary stuff goes down on that path. P77 narrowly survived a snake attack last summer.

The Dead Acorn said...

Yep ... that bench just across the bridge has someone sitting there more often than not at that time of day. Weird. That stretch where there's fence on both sides is No Man's Land.