Tuesday, December 14, 2010

In Which I Prattle On Endlessly And Without Direction

It’s often said that the two topics that should not be spoken of at bars are politics and religion (it goes without saying, of course, that if you’re drunk at church just prior to an election, then by all means, go to town). I’m not sure why that is … I’m perfectly capable of having a calm and rational discussion of the issues, as long the backward-ass, sky-fairy-fearin’, no-compassion-havin’, difference-hatin’, Beck-watchin’, war-lovin’, strong-daddy-needin’ dipshit on the other side of the table is as well. I mean, I’m an open and reasonable person when it comes to those sorts of things.

Personally, I think that the taboo is a little overblown, because no matter how vociferously we argue on about "grace of god vs. deeds on earth," "virgin birth vs. best liar EVAH," "resurrection vs. heaven/hell vs. dirt in the ground," or what have you, in almost every case we’re going to buy each other a beer at the end of the night and thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that we’re not Scientologists.

There certainly are topics that aren’t discussed in bars – not really because they shouldn’t be, but because there’s just no point to it. There are some divides that just cannot be spanned, some chasms simply too deep to be bridged. For example, there will never be even the most begrudging agreement between a real human being and a Yankee fan; nor can there be even the slightest concession between the natural enemies comprising devotees of Red Vines and Twizzlers.


Ok, never mind … you know what? This was supposed to be a few words on the new Grape Vines licorice (grape-flavored Red Vines! Woo!). Yet I’m four paragraphs in, and I haven’t even set the stage for that topic. I’m certainly no fan of brevity for brevity’s sake, being a student of the “why use 10 words when you can use 100?” school of writing, but sweet jeebus, this is ridiculous.

Grape Vines: pretty good, though the initial flavor burst could be a tad stronger. They have a larger hollow cross-section than Red Vines, which detractors will suggest is intended to reduce the actual candoric mass while creating the perception of the opposite. Hogwash. The net weight is the same, and the larger bore allows a freer flow of bourbon when used as a straw. Twizzler shareholders should be extremely nervous at this development.

Why couldn’t I just say that in the first place? I swear, the second thing I do upon winning the lottery is hire an editor.


Niamh B said...

Gotto be better than liquorice flavour - the flavour of death and pointlessness.
Go on so, what's the first thing... if you win the lotto?

The Dead Acorn said...

Black licorice is just wrong. I can only drink Ouzo about every five years.

I only have the second thing decided (and a few things below that) ... money can't buy what I want, so I leave the top spot open.

Niamh B said...

And there's an answer leading to another question...
what do you want?

Knowing what you want is the hardest bit really innit? Once you know that, then going for it is that bit easier.

The Dead Acorn said...

Why, true love, of course. Holding hands walking through the woods in the fall, mimosas as the sun comes up, that sort of thing. I'm working on it.

P77 said...

Money can't buy what you want, eh? Bears in the super bowl? Indians over .500? An interest in the WNBA? Me serving you large beers? The latter perhaps being the tallest of orders (pun intended). Anyway, glad I still get to read your words, I do miss our mildly witty exchanges from the pub. Cheers, D.A.

Niamh B said...

true love can be bought, but the price is returning it, which is one of the hardest things to pay.
Mimosas can also be bought, much more readily and cheaply.

The Dead Acorn said...

True words, NiamhB. Harder to buy true love, though, even ready and wanting to pay, when the shop has shut down (okay, the metaphor is kind of falling apart here).

P77 - thanks, dude. I'm never really sure if anyone on this continent reads this stuff. And I'm looking forward to a replay of the '85 Bears-Patriots Superbowl. Same result.

Niamh B said...

Sure shops shut down, but sometimes that's because there's no market, and maybe another shop will open there with longer opening hours and better parking.

Ok, that's definitely enough of that I think

jess said...

Twizzlers put Red Vines to shame. Although there's an unshaven man sitting *just over there* who would disagree with me strongly about that. I think maybe it's a coastal thing, East coast= Twizzlers, west coast= Red Vines? In any case, I'll have to try the grape before I write them off completely.