Monday, May 10, 2010

Do You Believe In Miracles? YESSSS!

The Live Acorn’s volleyball team had their final tournament of the Club season over the weekend, and oh, what a season it was.

To truly appreciate the team’s achievements, we have to go all the way back to before the civil war the end of the school season, when Club tryouts, teams, and locations were being announced. Much to the disbelief of the athletes and parents of two schools in particular (one of which is attended by The Live Acorn), all of the Club teams were excluding them from tryouts. Oh, except for, you know, the two really tall girls. They're okay ...

(Note: I would imagine that some of my less gullible readers might suspect that not everything I write here is fully based in reality, and I will concede that they may be correct in their suspicions. Unfortunately, in this case, I am not embellishing in the least.)

Well, obviously, this could not stand! One of the parents, in an impressive display of moxie, took the initiative, lined up a practice gym and a coach, and got them on the Club schedule. “We don’t need them!” she exclaimed. “We’ll put on our own show! Gosh, we can build a stage back in the barn, and we’ll make our own costumes! After all, what is a heart, but just a mechanical pump? And are the veins not merely tubes, and the liver but a filter?” We let her ramble on a bit, then noticed that some of the girls were getting a little frightened, so we walked her over to the bar and got her some whisky. In any case, they had a team!

Turns out they lost every game and never even scored a single point. So great was the humiliation, a majority of the young ladies are currently in counseling. The organizing parent has been forced to move out of state, her life in ruins.

Ha ha! Not really.

No, this ragtag collection of castoffs and misfits practiced their butts off, which paid off in continuous and vast improvement over the months. There were several weeks where I would have sworn that it wasn’t even the same team. (One of those weeks, I went to the wrong gym, where a 2-on-2 beach volleyball tournament was being held, so it literally wasn't the same team; that was a little more confusing than most weeks.)

Back to the final tournament: The first preliminary round took place Friday evening, and determined which teams would be in the “Gold” bracket, and which would be in the “Silver.” Three matches, three victories. Oh, I’m sorry … that’s three matches, three victories, bitchez (try to picture me moving both my head and finger back and forth as I type this, ala Phylicia Rashad), including wins over a couple of the teams from which they were "disinvited" from joining. And before you start criticizing me in the comments (did you know you can leave comments? Of my millions of readers, only about 4-5 ever do ... odd ...), let me be clear: I am not calling 14-year-old girls "bitchez" … it’s just a figure of speech meant to emphasize one’s superiority over others. Oh, and the other teams were pwned, too, whatever that means.

On Saturday, in the Gold bracket, the morning session comprised each team playing three games to determine the seeding for the single-elimination portion of the tournament. They dominated the first two, but were finally defeated by a team two years older and about a foot (.3048 meters) taller, on average. No matter … they earned a favorable seed, and looked good going forward.

Sure enough, they beat a tough team in the first match, losing the first game, but winning the second and crushing their opponents' very will to live in the tie-breaker. My god, my heart was pounding like a Zulu’s war drum the night before a missionary slaughter. The whole situation was eerily similar to the 1980 Olympic Hockey tournament. Unfortunately, the volleyball analog of Finland was a group of 16+ girls from out of town who regularly played against 18+ teams, and who beat them pretty soundly.

But in the end, they finished 4th, had a great season, lots of fun, and they walked out with their heads held high.

Boise Blaze, you ROCK.


Kathleen said...

You know it's just a game, Acorn.

I'm kidding! KIDDING!

Figured I'd put that last part in caps so that you would see it before you began plotting to have me killed...

Fourth place...not too shabby!

The Dead Acorn said...

Nothing is "just a game" for someone as bitter and vindictive as I am. Do you hear me?


Jonny Hamachi said...

Dear DA,
I am innocent. I wasn't even in Idaho that year, and I never have been down to the Winco. In fact, I was writing a screenplay for a Lifetime made for TV afterschool special about a rag tag team of volleyball tweens who buck the ritchie riches and learn a little something along the way. The Captain hooks up with this renegade disc jockey in a panel truck, who starts killing off all the Heathers.
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is that we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain,,, and an athlete,,, and a basket case,,, a princess,,, and a criminal.

In closing, stay out of jail, don't get pregnant, and Go Boise Blaze.

Kathleen said...

OK OK! I heard you! Sheesh!

Umm...should I be taking out life insurance??

Niamh B said...

Fabtastic, you go girls! - I mean pass that message on to them, obviously,

do elaborate on the meaning of pwned too would you?

The Dead Acorn said...

I think that "pwned" is computer gamer talk for "owned," or completely and embarrassingly dominated. These kids today with their crazy language ...

Jonny, if the people at Hallmark read this, I think you can expect a call and a job offer very soon.

Kathleen - what makes you think I haven't already taken one out?

Kathleen said...

Does the policy come as a package deal along with the [assasination] contract?

Hope it didn't set you back too much. I've got at least 6 of my 9 lives left, you know..