A Stay-Cautionary Tale

I recently went on something called a “staycation.” As I was unfamiliar with the term, The Person With Whom I Was To Staycate (TPWWIWTS) described it to me:

TPWWIWTS: “Well, it’s like a vacation, only we’ll stay here in town. I’ve got us a room, and we’ll do fun things, like role-playing and stuff."

Dead Acorn: “Wow! That sounds like fun! I’ll bring my Legos® and my Spiderman® costume!”

TPWWIWTS: “Umm … well, I was thinking more along the lines of you going into the hotel bar about 15 minutes before me, and we’ll pretend to be strangers, and then leave together. And the fun things after will be more of an adult nature. There probably won’t be Legos® involved.”

DA: “Well, that sounds fun, too!”

We arrived and TPWWIWTS checked us in, while I laid low in the car so as not be seen by hotel staff, lest our ruse be regrettably rendered ruined. The room itself was what one would expect from a low-cost two-story convention motel near the airport. A microwave oven from the early eighties:

Above: How I miss the days before digital LED indicators.

It had oddly specific timing instructions for popcorn:

Above: Unfortunately, the rotary knobs don’t have half-second increments.

The fridge seemed newer, with a delightful can dispenser built in (TPWWIWTS couldn’t decide what to drink, and so brought some of everything - yes, that is an unlabeled bottle of moonshine).

Above: Thank sweet jeebus that I didn’t have to take the time to reach into the box to slake my thirst upon finishing a beverage!

As it turns out, the microwave did serve a purpose, as the table that held the television was about 8” in height:

Above: TPWWIWTS can be quite creative at times.

After settling in, we decided to initiate our plan proper. I walked over to the main building … and walked back three minutes later.

TPWWIWTS: “Umm … what’s up, Dead Acorn?”

DA: “The … the … the bar is CLOSED.”

*stunned silence for about thirty seconds*

TPWWIWTS: *fighting tears* “This isn’t funny.”

DA: “I am NOT joking. They didn’t really explain – just that it’s closed tonight. They said there’s an Applebee’s across the street.”

So we held each for a while, then began the sad trek across the street for some grievance cocktails, comforted by the fact that the hotel restaurant was still open and we’d be able to have room service upon our return. Applebee’s was everything that one would expect in an Applebee’s three blocks from the airport, and we had a grand time with Dava The Nice Bartender, and, after a couple of hours, decided to make our way back for a late dinner and perhaps a game of Parcheesi or something.

After making our dining choices, I called the operator to order:

DA: “Hi, this is The Dead Acorn in room 301, and we’d like to order some room service, please.”

Operator: “I’m sorry, the restaurant is closed."

*stunned silence for about thirty seconds*

DA: “But … but … the sign we saw earlier and the menu I’m holding both say it’s open until 10:00. It’s only 9:30.”

Operator: “Yes, but they’re closed.”

DA: “But the sign … the menu …”

Operator: “I know, but they closed early.”

DA: “But … but …”

Operator: “There’s an Applebee’s across the street.”

So off we sauntered again, having changed clothes so that Dava The Nice Bartender wouldn’t recognize us (she wasn’t fooled, even though we sat on the other side of the bar). Despite all of the setbacks and diversions from our original plan, we had a pretty dang good time, and I can highly recommend trying a staycation yourself from time to time.

Some other minor highlights from the experience:

We got to chat with a couple of bands who were on a North American tour, and said that they did "an inspirational mix of hip-hop and rock & roll":

Above: No. Never.

We were also introduced to perhaps the most disturbing corporate ... spokesthing, I guess ... ever:

Above: No more sleep 'til the end of days.

You can play with your Legos® in your Spiderman® costume any time.