Monday, September 13, 2010

Sh*t Gonna Get Crazy Now

I’m a fairly boring person, as is evidenced by my eating habits during the noon meal. Approximately four out of the five “work” days, I heat up a can of Progresso soup (low-sodium because my “doctor” says it will keep my blood pressure down).

Dead Acorn: But doc, since both my systolic and diastolic numbers are high, doesn’t that mean my ratio of good:bad blood pressure is okay?

Doctor: Well, that’s cholesterol, which reminds me ... A) your numbers on those are too high, too, and 2) you’re an idiot.

Dead Acorn: I’m not the one who had to go to some off-shore medical school.

Doctor: Doing an internship in infectious diseases in a developing nation after graduating from Harvard is not generally considered going to an “off-shore medical school.”

Dead Acorn: Whatever. I want a second opinion.

Doctor: Fine, but every physician in town will agree that you’re an idiot.

Anyway, I usually buy a bunch of cans of soup at one time and keep them in my desk drawer, and I generally only eat three kinds: Chicken and Wild Rice, Chicken Noodle, and Chicken Gumbo. I usually stock up more on the first two flavors, as they are more conservative in flavor, while the Chicken Gumbo is a bit spicy (dare I say bold?), which is somewhat antithetical to my rather pedestrian approach to midday sustenance. Nevertheless, I do maintain a small cache of the Gumbo just for those days when I feel like "coloring outside the lines," so to speak, just a little (I think I get this tendency from my Great Aunt Selina, who, every few months, goes on a whisky bender and talks some naïve college freshmen into driving her to Vegas, unfailingly landing in jail (though almost as unfailingly talking her way out of it) … we’re pretty much kindred spirits, she and I (but in spirit only; I don't regularly seduce college freshmen)).

Today was such a day, and to my surprise, there was nary a can of Gumbo to be found. Six cans of Wild Rice, four cans of Noodle, but nothing to sate my yearning for the 1 1/4 alarm heat that only Progresso can provide.

This, of course, got me thinking. I hadn’t altered my shopping list at all – I still bought the same ratio of the three flavors, which for years, has perfectly met my needs and desires – on most days, something safe and comfortable, but every once in a while, something just a little zany and dangerous. So if my buying habits hadn’t changed, the premature depletion of Gumbo could mean only one thing: my lunch, and, by extension, my life, is venturing more and more often into the wilder realms. I must be, without realizing it, bustin’ out of this cocoon of familiarity in which I've entrenched myself … throwing away this security blanket to which I cling … finally removing the safety harness I’ve been wearing my whole life, and goddamn it, walking the wire free of inhibitions, and to the devil with timidity.

Next up: switching to Crest Gel toothpaste, and having a beer in a bar south of State Street. Crazy talk, I know, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not scared. But watch out, world … there’s a new shooter holding the dice.


P77 said...

Now that we know about your souper lunch preference, what do you shift to in the world of suds when your trusty B.L.s need a night off? The Lions won that game by the way.

Niamh B said...

Or someone might've just taken your soup, without your permission

The Dead Acorn said...

P77 - my non-beer preference is Ouzo. In the morning. And the Bears dominated. It was like Sherman through Atlanta.

Niamh - so I work in a den of thieves, and I'm stuck being my boring self? Awww ...

Sheri said...

You are so dang funny! I love your writing.....even if you are an idiot.

P77 said...

Ouzo and a McGriddle in the morning. What's for dinner then- six-pack of Tequiza Extras and a Double Down with a Littlebucket Parfait for dessert? Nice.

The Dead Acorn said...

Well, thanks, Sheri! Idiocy isn't so bad once you get used to it.

P77 - any time you want to stop over for breakfast, feel free. I have a feeling there will be some lemon-mosas this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Ouzo? Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't you try a shot or two of Requia, and then, if you are still standing, why don't you talk to me about how fucking dominate you and your goddamn "Bears" are.


The Dead Acorn said...

Hey Sheri? Once again, I have to thank you for saying that you like reading my little ramblings here, but .. the true treasure is in the anonymous comments. They're few and far between, but well worth the wait.

Niamh B said...

ah well, maybe I'm wrong, I guess time will tell, proof will be in pudding etc etc etc

Sheri said...

That comment was just plain rude! I always sign mine and that person should sign theirs too!!