Wednesday, June 16, 2010

It's A Legal Matter, Baby ...

I’m no big city lawyer, and by no means should any reader ever interpret anything I write as legal advice. Still, as one who has had some experience with legal processes and law enforcement*, I believe that I have ample standing to comment on certain aspects of our legal system. Having firmly established my authority in such matters, then, I would like to state that whichever Congress passed (as well as whichever President it was that neglected to exercise the power of the veto on) the Second Law of Thermodynamics were all a bunch of assholes.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics (they couldn’t even use “under” instead of “of,” so that we'd at least have a giggle-inducing acronym? The Salt Lake City, Utah City Council exhibited the same spinelessness when they declined to name their light rail system “Salt Lake Urban Transit.” I mean, come on … “I rode the SLUT this morning?” How could that not be good for a community?) states that “the entropy of an isolated system which is not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time.”

In other words, this shit’s gonna fall apart.

I really hate that law. If anyone is “an isolated system which is not in equilibrium,” it’s me. Currently, 30% of the bicycle tires in my house are flat, I’ve somehow forgotten to put the garbage out on the curb for three weeks in a row, the backyard weeds are as high as an elephant’s eye, and my personal life is in complete and utter chaos. While I certainly respected former Idaho Congressman Bill Sali’s effort to repeal the law of gravity (I would have finally been able to slam dunk, though admittedly, only once, as I would have then continued to float upward into space …), his priorities clearly were misplaced. Not that he’s entirely to blame, of course … Richard Nixon established a precedent by instating a price freeze via Presidential Order, and President Obama could certainly do the same with levels of entropy. I suspect that he is a closet conservative, holding the notion that it’s an individual’s responsibility to keep his or her life from falling apart, and that it’s not the role of government to come wash the dishes when they get so overwhelming that it’s too depressing to stay in the house and there’s a baseball game on at the pub so wouldn’t it be a good idea to find a bike with two full tires and ride over and have a beer? That’s cold-hearted plutocracy, if you ask me. As Marie-Antionette famously scoffed: “Let them drink Schlitz!”

For the life of me, I can’t understand why people don’t want to discuss politics with me at the bar.

* Not to boast, of course, but there's a certain Box Elder** (Utah) County prosecutor who rues the day that he decided to move forward with those trumped-up charges. He probably still hasn't stopped crying.

** What do you call a mormon gynecologist? A box elder! HAHAHAHAhahahehehehehe


Niamh B said...

I think other people are probably just intimidated by your superior knowledge, that's why they don't like talking politics with you... same reason no one much likes talking football with me

The Dead Acorn said...

I think people get tired of having to explain the icing rule to me, in both football and politics.

sarah said...

I like to combat that forgetting the trash thing by just leaving it out on the curb all the time.

The Dead Acorn said...

The forgotten garbage streak is over! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!