Thursday, February 4, 2010

Is It That Time Already?

As evidenced by my lack of recent posting, I’m sure you’ve gathered that I have nothing much to say. Actually, even in my 5-posts-a-week meth-fueled blogging benders, it’s pretty clear that I have nothing much to say. As devoted (if somewhat comment-phobic) readers, however, I’m sure you understand that you get what you pay for. I can’t help it if my life provides nothing of interest other than the occasional amusing anecdote regarding a bike wreck or waking up in Horseshoe Bend wearing nothing but very large womens underwear.

Actually, I guess I probably can help that; that’s what all those books about changing directions in life are about, I suppose. I’ve got Gravity’s Rainbow lined up as soon as I finish Infinite Jest, though, both of which comprise 700+ pages of senseless blather so incomprehensible I can only read one page at a sitting before my head starts to a-splode, so I’ll, umm, get right on those other books, uh, soon.

I certainly hope that everyone is prepared and looking forward to the numerous important dates coming up in February. First, we’ve got Make Up Day on the 15th, which marks the end of Break Up season (1st Friday in Dec. – Valentine’s Day). Don’t rush the romantic reunification, now … if you mis-time things, you could end up having to buy something for V-Day, and avoiding spending money on your true love is the whole point of the season. Second, pitchers and catchers are allowed to report to spring training on the 18th.

As is my long standing tradition, I will not be participating in either of these events.

Another important date to mark on your calendar is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day on the 23rd. Seriously.

As I mentioned, pitchers and catchers are allowed to report on the 18th, but aren’t required to, of course. In fact, several teams are reporting a day or two later. Only one team, however, has pushed it all the way back to the 23rd. A conversation inside the Cleveland Indians boardroom:

General Manager Mark Shapiro: Well, Larry, whaddya think? We get ‘em there right on the 18th, get to know the new guys? We got a lot of fresh faces.

Owner Larry Dolan: Yeah, Mark. Yeah. We have a new manager whose lifetime record at the helm is 158-252. Our opening day pitcher hasn’t pitched in the bigs since before the 2008 All Star break. Our best player just had nearly-nude pictures splattered all over the internet. Yeah, I think those extra days could potentially keep us within 10 games of Kansas City.

General Manager Mark Shapiro: Jesus, you can be a sarcastic sunovabitch when you want to be.

Owner Larry Dolan: Give ‘em ‘til Tuesday. They’ll just be hungover Monday. Christ, I wish I owned the Twins.

There’s a sort of peaceful tranquility that comes from knowing that you’ve lost the race before it even starts. Happy International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day, everybody.


Amanda said...

"You have to risk it to get the biscuit." --really good redbox movie

I know when you say "senseless blather" you really mean "writers of some of the world's most beautiful sentences ever in spite of the fact that crazy shit is occurring within them."

The Dead Acorn said...

Why, yes, that's EXACTLY what I mean. Definitely not something you can (or would want to) just sort of zip through. I do tend to read only when I go to bed, though, in which case, I get through one page (half a sentence) and pas ... fall asleep, so I really do have a couple more years to go at this pace.

SudoMaki said...

I understand and relate to the falling (passing out) asleep while reading in bed. But that is an improvement for me. I used to fall asleep while making love before. LOL

Niamh B said...

As a recent dog acquirer, I'm delighted to hear there's a dog biscuit appreciation day, we got a whole 15 minutes of peace thanks to a raw hide bone yokey earlier, it was bliss.